Jeff Sessions knew he was annoying his boss. The Russia recusal, the softening of the travel ban…but when Sessions took the thickest slice of meatloaf in the White House dining room last week that is when the shit really hit. The dirty looks (more so than usual), the tripping in the hallway, singing “Go, go, go, go go, go, go, shawty, It’s your birthday, We gon’ party like it’s yo birthday…”

Sessions even offered to quit but his resignation was rejected. As annoying as he was, he knew his boss loved the fidget spinners and scented slime he brought him in hopes it would keep him from fucking tweeting. 

Omer Gaspar, owner of the U-Smash-I -Fix iPhone glass repair kiosk in the Tysons Galleria in McLean VA is exhausted. This is the 3rd time this week he’s gotten a pre-dawn house call to the White House to fix the glass phone screen of “someone who works here.” Gaspar knew it was the dumbander in chief. The glass was always smashed near the thumbs and, besides, he read the tweets. He knew covfefe when he saw it. 

The alligators began planning as soon as the president’s motorcade left the White House. Stan had failed to nab him in Palm Beach but his cousin Dan was game to give it a go in Virginia. “Jeesh,” Dan thought, “I better try and puke up my lunch to make room in my stomach for this guy.” Frankly, he hadn’t seen that much grub in one place since the all-you-can-eat-buffet at his uncle’s 60th.

A shiver of excitement rippled down the spines of “a small group of people” when word got out about President Trump’s puzzling tweet. While the rest of the world united in confusion over covfefe, the “President and a small group of people” knew covfefe as a good thing (for once). Donald J. Trump was announcing publicly that he was planning a celebratory dinner for “a small group of people” (but not Sean) so they could all talk about his hugely successful trip abroad and probably his electoral win, again. They had all gathered for covfefe the night of the Bowling Green massacre. Frederick Douglas had just loaded a legless Kellyanne into an ambulance when a staff of waitresses, followed by Donald Trump in a golf cart, emerged carrying platters of the most delicious food they’d ever had. What a covfefe they had! Word on the street was that for this covfefe they would all toast to the orb.  

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson freakin’ loved slipping into his leathers and revving up his Harley at last weekend’s Rolling Thunder biker rally in D. C. Man did he get some good ink in the conservative rags after that! “a brilliant man and a patriot, always ready to raise the patriotic spirit,” one guy even called him T. “Rex” and oh how he loves this passage:

“This is the American spirit. This is how we show respect to our brave heroes. The liberal leftists use their hordes to burn the national flag and curse this country, but these patriots show us how to love America.” 
Man it felt good to get some attention. Ever since his tongue removal surgery he’s been feeling so muted. 

Ivanka Trump wasn’t worried. Not really. Even if Daddy and Jared went to prison she knew she’d be fine. Daddy would take care of her and her brothers (but probably not Tiffany), and besides, she had her blogs to fall back on. 

Sergei Kislyak was blue. He fancied himself a memorable guy. 

“Okay, okay I’ll say it,” said the thin, pale dark haired man to the much bigger, much older and much hairier, tattooed man in the prison bathroom. “You’re my big Daddy, you’re Jared’s big Daddy, Jared’s going to wear his vest and khaki chaps for you.”

President Trump knew it was wrong to shove the prime minister of Montenegro out of the way at the NATO meeting today; but when someone shouted that it was time to “take” the group picture he only heard the word “cake.” Still high on adrenaline from delivering such an awesome, jaw dropping speech, he raced to the front of the line and bumped the poor bastard. Truth was he didn’t know it had even happened until he snuck onto Twitter for a second when his aids weren’t looking. “Jesus”, he mutters, remembering some of the twit pics, “did Ivanka look hot in that veil.”

“Why thank you President Trump, I am also very pleased with the way I have handled the drug problem in my country. Where again did you say you have two nuclear submarines stationed?” said President Duterte of the Philippines, kicking the body of a dead drug dealer out of his way to grab a pen.