It was decided. Now that Melania and Barron had arrived at the White House for good, Barron was to head up FEMA. He was one of the most intelligent appointees in the administration and besides, his summer vacation coincided with hurricane season, kind of…

Meanwhile, in the closed Comey hearing the senators heard way crazier shit than the stuff that came out of John McCain’s mouth that AM. 

5:00 AM –The crowd outside Shaw’s Tavern in Northwest DC. 

9:30 AM — when it opens today.

Jeff Sessions knew he was annoying his boss. The Russia recusal, the softening of the travel ban…but when Sessions took the thickest slice of meatloaf in the White House dining room last week that is when the shit really hit. The dirty looks (more so than usual), the tripping in the hallway, singing “Go, go, go, go go, go, go, shawty, It’s your birthday, We gon’ party like it’s yo birthday…”

Sessions even offered to quit but his resignation was rejected. As annoying as he was, he knew his boss loved the fidget spinners and scented slime he brought him in hopes it would keep him from fucking tweeting. 

Omer Gaspar, owner of the U-Smash-I -Fix iPhone glass repair kiosk in the Tysons Galleria in McLean VA is exhausted. This is the 3rd time this week he’s gotten a pre-dawn house call to the White House to fix the glass phone screen of “someone who works here.” Gaspar knew it was the dumbander in chief. The glass was always smashed near the thumbs and, besides, he read the tweets. He knew covfefe when he saw it. 

The alligators began planning as soon as the president’s motorcade left the White House. Stan had failed to nab him in Palm Beach but his cousin Dan was game to give it a go in Virginia. “Jeesh,” Dan thought, “I better try and puke up my lunch to make room in my stomach for this guy.” Frankly, he hadn’t seen that much grub in one place since the all-you-can-eat-buffet at his uncle’s 60th.

A shiver of excitement rippled down the spines of “a small group of people” when word got out about President Trump’s puzzling tweet. While the rest of the world united in confusion over covfefe, the “President and a small group of people” knew covfefe as a good thing (for once). Donald J. Trump was announcing publicly that he was planning a celebratory dinner for “a small group of people” (but not Sean) so they could all talk about his hugely successful trip abroad and probably his electoral win, again. They had all gathered for covfefe the night of the Bowling Green massacre. Frederick Douglas had just loaded a legless Kellyanne into an ambulance when a staff of waitresses, followed by Donald Trump in a golf cart, emerged carrying platters of the most delicious food they’d ever had. What a covfefe they had! Word on the street was that for this covfefe they would all toast to the orb.