Having had to retain her own lawyer just 24 days into her role as White House Communications Director, Hope Hicks really felt like one of the guys. She secretly thought her lawyer was the most handsome of all the lawyers in the Trump stable and, 3 days on the job and he hadn’t lost it on anyone yet by phone, email, or text! That was saying something. He also had such nice lips…

“Everyone was saying it. Everyone. Just ask anyone. Even the fake news admitted it. Sniff. President Trump is a hero for delivering supplies to the needy in Houston last week. Did you see him hand the big box of supplies directly to the driver of that pickup truck? His muscles were bulging. He’s a goddam American hero dammit. A goddam hero,” said Donald Trump eating some White Castle’s and mumbling to himself in the mirror this morning.

On the DACA announcement, Jeff Sessions hadn’t been that excited about anything since Christmas of ’53 when Santa brought him and his pony matching white sheets and hats for the next rally. 

Although pleased with the crowd size at his speech in Corpus Christie yesterday, Donald Trump was also quite taken aback by the flooding in Houston. He hadn’t seen waters that deep since that heavenly night in the presidential suite in Moscow’s Ritz Carlton when Katya, Nadia and Olga took the Pepsi challenge and then…

“Mommy why is the President going to Texas tomorrow?” 

“Ratings honey. And likability. He wants everyone to think he cares about the people in the hurricane when he couldn’t give 2 shits. 

Oh, and the flood. It’s very hard to protest in a flood.”

“Trust me.”

A full day after the eclipse and Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson is still so amped about President Trump acting all bad ass staring right up at the sun. A few times. It really was “The Most Impressive Thing Any President Has Ever Done.”

Inhaling half a duck fat burrito in front of an episode of Friends, Steve Bannon was so glad the eclipse would detract from his first full day back at Breitbart. He’d gained some new rolls in D.C. and his little skin problem was back. 

White House chief of staff John Kelly knew he should have stuck an extra Lipitor in his suit jacket before yesterday’s presser. Chest. So. Tight. Jesus…

David Duke could not recall a more enjoyable Saturday in recent memory. He had forgotten how beautiful Charlottesville was. 

 In between macaroni and cheese bites around the 8th hole of his second game of golf, Donald J. Trump patted himself on the back again for his “face fire and fury like the world has never seen” line. Melania had blasted him with it once for an unwanted goosing at Barron’s Pre-K orientation and he’d never forgotten it. He just knew it would work with No. Korea.