Pope Francis hopes President Trump keeps his shit together at their 8:30 AM meeting. Breathing deeply, Francis sighs and whispers “if he tries the handshake go for the balls, just go for the balls.” 

It was decided. He would say he stumbled over his cassock. 

Melania Trump was so pissed her husband was still alive she swatted his hand away in public. And she didn’t care. She had paid that nice Saudi sword dancer good money to stick it to Donny during that ceremonial dance yesterday but, just as the sword came flying towards his back, Donny bopped forward. She could scream she was so sick of him!!! She didn’t give a shit that this tour was supposed to promote lasting “peach” in the Middle East. 

It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Bright and shiny had always been been attractive to President Trump but this…this was different. It was smooth and round and cool to the touch. Like a Russian beet in October. As he stared dopily at it, ignoring his Egyptian and Saudi hombres, he suddenly wanted that orb more than anything. Even more than the 30 year old Swedish swimsuit model they had working the coatcheck at Bedminster. He had his plan. He’d make Jared get it. 

MSNBC’s Joy Reid, host of the highly rated show AM Joy, thinks it’s time for the name of her show to change already. Since January 20, 2017 it’s morphed into “Goddam all Day and Night Joy” and she is exhausted.

Rabbi Adam Mintz shakes his head as he watches Jared Kushner leave his office, rabbinical pass for flying on Shabbat, in hand. Sheesh, flying on Friday nights was going to be the least of this dude’s problems soon. And a good thing. Mintz is tired of writing out all of these bullshit passes for the Kushners.

 Sean Spicer was looking forward to the whirlwind trip he was leaving on today with President Trump. Truthfully he just wanted to score some good cocaine in Egypt. Listening to Colombia’s president Juan Manuel Santos bragging about all the coca farms they seized last year got him thinking. If President Trump didn’t like the way Spicey spun his bullshit into rainbows then Spicey was going to have to up his game. He just knew that drugs were the answer! Even Jeff Sessions referred to his occasional line as “a snort of spark.” 

Doing his best Seinfeld impersonation, James Comey practiced again in the mirror. Tilting his head and squinting his eyes at an imaginary Newman, he let those magical words fly, “Hello Donald.”

“Good morning Mr. President are you excited for your upcoming trip?” whistled career 3rd assistant Gladys Chambers to her boss after being out the past two days under heavy anesthesia for dental work. Then she quickly ducked. 

“Dab brother dab,” said Washington Post reporter Greg Jaffe to his co-reporter Greg Miller at a beach dance off to celebrate their ground breaking story on Trump’s revealing highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador.  

Meanwhile, in the Oval Office…

First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump, had never smiled wider than she did when saw her husband “tweeted her” for Mother’s Day. She was thrilled to be in her gilded NYC tower with her son while Donny was in the New Jersey smacking balls around. She really preferred it when they were apart. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” she thinks, frowning at the thought of that buffoon of a man she married.

Melania smiles as her son Barron emerges from his own floor for a visit. Cracking apart a hostess apple pie and passing half to her smiling son, she feels ecstatic. She is so glad Donny let her have a baby on the condition she got her body back. Dinner would be lettuce again for her.