“No way does birth control work” shouts Teresa Manning on her first day overseeing contraception for the department of health and human services. 

Manning was talking to a group of lower income teens at a recent “Decency, Demureness and Devotion” rally in Southeast Washington and she was cranky as hell. Her husband could be such an asshole, making her take the kids at the last second so he could go golfing. 

Grrrrr… and she had a point to make about abstinence dammit. What a role model she was. 

Removing Eunice’s ankle from her ribs Manning mutters “its God’s will anyway.”

Donald Trump is proud he learned everything he thinks he needs to know about The Civil War by watching Clint Eastwood’s 1976 western “The Outlaw Josey Wales.” Eastwood’s a badass, everyone knows it. 

Even that swashbuckler Andrew Jackson would agree. 

John Dickerson, host of Face the Nation, was proud of himself for sticking to his guns when pressing President Trump on those damn wiretaps claims. He knew that part of the interview would get a shit ton of airtime and he was on fire that day. He looked good, the camera angle was perfect!  

What a relief! Secretly he worried he looked like a little bit of a dicknose on TV. 

“More crudeness! more hands! bellows Professor McGropenstein to his 3rd period class at the Fox News Channel School for Emerging Hosts. 

If one more person tells Bernie Sanders how cute the bathrooms were on the buses across town to that bullshit meeting about North Korea last week he is going to blow. 

Lorne Michaels may have voted for Hillary but he sure as shit struck comedy gold with Trump. “Alice!” He shouts at his former assistant, now current wife, “get Eugene Levy on the horn! I want to see if he’ll play that Munchkin guy next Saturday”

Popping open a fresh can of Clamato he smiles, here’s to another great 100 days! Thank you Vlad, thank you. 

“Congratulations you have passed the vetting process Mr. Flynn” said no one ever not even this guy. 

“Happy Birthday Melania,” said President Trump as he handed her a loofa and unbuttoned his shirt. 

Taking advantage of the fact that their boss is busy downplaying the importance of his first 100 days while hyping up his yuge achievements, Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller use this rare opportunity out of the spotlight to beat the everlasting shit out of each other. 

It was On Like Donkey Kong. 

4 minutes into her interview with President Trump and AP White House correspondent Julia Pace knew this dude was a total nutter. She had not seen that  level of distraction and tale telling since she’d volunteered one summer at her Aunt Norma’s camp for “Active” Kids. 

Even the weekend didn’t alleviate Paces PTSD. I should have taken that goddam Coke he offered me she groaned finally swallowing the last of last Friday’s lunch.