Education secretary Betsy DeVos was still rattled from being booed last week when she delivered the commencement speech at Bethune-Cookman University, a historically black college in Florida. Grabbing a Montblanc gold classique fountain pen from her pen cup she starts composing a letter on her Tiffany stationary.

“Deer terrble parents,
You dont know me but I tawk’d to your kidz last week at gradution and they wer very rood. Teech them maners plez

Sincerely,

Betsy DeVos

Addressing the envelope to the president of the university, DeVos shakes her freshly colored hair and brays with disappointment. Holy Jesus above but these students were savages. Did their mothers not teach them anything?

Finally allowed out of the penalty box since making up a fake massacre on live TV, Kellyanne Conway has never felt more confident. As she answers questions about Comey a gentle breeze grazes her surgical scars. She winces but would get the work done on her face all over again she looks so damn good. Not that it’s hard not to shine with colleagues like Spicer, currently in the bushes, and that sassy Huckabee chick. Wait? She thinks smiling, was she a “showboat” and a “grandstander.” You betcha. 

It was understood among the staff and aides at the White House that if Trump went outside to “catch some air” it was time to panic. Being alone with his thoughts was not good for this President. His grandiosity would magnify and he’d often come back to the Oval Office bragging about the size of his inauguration crowd or the sea of “Blacks for Trump” baseball hats at his Harrisburg rally. His dreamy eyed demeanor was nice for a change but there were bills to sign and lives to ruin and his staff had no choice but to blast MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” and Trump would snap right out of it. Donald loved Joe Scarborough. He loved Mika too, and, in fact, tried to move on her like a bitch one time. But now they were just fake news and was Mika getting fat?

On the night President Trump fired FBI Director Jim Comey, Press Secretary Sean Spicer bellowed the news out of his office door to the press pool and then promptly got up, went outside, and hid in the bushes to avoid answering questions. He reluctantly agreed to do select interviews under condition of darkness. Twitching and sweaty, he was more frenzied than ever as he bullshitted his way through each question gruffly, acting like a total dick. His mind was swirling. The Russians were coming tomorrow and so was Henry Kissinger and he’d completely forgotten to order the old man’s low sodium dish.

Joseph Frederick Kushner, age 3, the middle child of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, was so excited to see Grandpa Donny and his strong friend “Uncle Keith” show up at his pricey Jewish Day School. Uncle Keith could have been a little nicer when he tossed him the back of the bullet proof SUV, but Grandpa Donny gave him such a funny psychotic smile the boy immediately felt at ease. When Grandpa Donny put both hands on his shoulders, looked him square in the eyes and said “Joseph, you’re going to be the new Director of the FBI,” he wet his pants.  

As he watched Uncle Keith run back into the school to get his Pull-Ups, Joseph anxiously wondered if he would have to wear that bonehead blue blazer and bullet proof vest like his father. He hoped not. 

Sally Yates strode into yesterday’s hearing yesterday dressed like a boss and ready to spill. Despite wanting to finger flick Ted Cruz in the middle of his dumb, smug face, and ask Senator John Cornyn why he was still alive, she kept her focus and answered all that she could about that weasel Flynn. She’d been excited about this moment for months. It was her revenge reveal. She knew her testimony would be replayed for decades to come, and her new cut, color and blow out would be immortalized forever.

Mike Pence hates how Kellyanne is fucking with him. She knows perfectly well he won’t dine alone with another woman without his wife and she’s invited him out every night for the last week. At first he said yes. He felt bad he had to shit can her from the talk shows on account of the nonsense that came out of her mouth, even though her shenanigans caused him a monumental amount of grief. But when that bony tramp waved a stack of photographic evidence of him in flagrante delicto with Elizabeth Warren’s niece he knew he was screwed.

And poor Karen is the victim of Conway’s revenge. He gazes lovingly at his wife as she takes a lusty bite of tartufo. Poor thing, she’s getting so fat. And Kellyanne is just enjoying it all go down.

“Welcome to Sunday service” said no one ever to Donald and Melania Trump.

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, age 95, had never felt better since he decided to step down from royal functions to take care of his great grandchildren full time. Truthfully when faced with retirement or meeting that knob head Trump he’d choose the former every time. “Let “Cabbage” drive that plonker around in that gaudy buggy,” Philip thinks, referring to his wife by her much loathed nickname, “Maybe they’ll run over the Corgis, I hate those assholes.”

Stopping to reprimand George for picking his nose, Philip has a sudden realization, 

“I just hope that wanker keeps his hands off of her….”

Francisco Javier Cruz, the new busboy at The White House, knew it was wrong to throw feces in the bowls of corn nuts at the Trump care victory party. He just snapped when he overheard Congressman Chris Collins brag how he didn’t even read the bill.  If this bullshit ever passes his poor mother, Rosa, will be booted off of her insurance because of her preexisting nose condition. “God,” muttered Cruz as he subtlety emptied the bowls into the rose bushes, “I am so blessed not to have a nose.”