On the day that 45 announced there was an armada steaming toward the Sea of Japan to send a message to North Korea, Smidgen Rafferty was ecstatic. Like his owners, Smidge was a huge fan of the FOX News Channel, and had longed to see the famous aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson up close. Using his excellent sense of direction (his parents were illegals from Mexico after all) Smidge raced to the ocean, dove in, and began swimming as fast as his quivery, pencil legs would take him. When he reached the Sea of Japan, 9 days later, the USS Vinson was still in Australia. 

“Guys it’s me Reince! Can you see me? I feel so small? Guys?”

Upon hearing that Trump and his cartel of deplorables would be slithering into Bedminster NJ on summer weekends, Township Mayor Steven Parker and Chief of Police Karl Rock knocked off early from work. Taking a back path to the Pluckemin Inn with hands clasped together to ward off rogue chipmunks, they didn’t utter a word. Their mission was obvious. They were going to get shit faced drunk and wake up in their clothes under the bar. 

“Hawaii, Ha-why-eeee, Ha-wha-eeeeee,” U. S. Attorney Jeff Sessions practiced the name of that Muslim President’s birthplace in the mirror for a solid hour before his infamous appearance on The Mark Levin Show. As soon as he heard himself say “I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States,” he was as surprised as…well… everyone who saw it. He was going to eat his weight in fried green tomatoes and banana pudding after flubbing this one up so badly. 

Dammit, he knew this word, he knew it.

Imogen and Harriett had just finished up a quick trip to the playground to let the boys stretch their feet when they saw it. An armada of United States War Ships bobbing in the waters off the coast of Australia, the largest one painted gold with #MAGA written in red, white and blue lettering. “Isn’t that the ship the orange man was sending to North Korea” asked Imogen? “Yep,” Harriet said munching some grass, “what a wanker. Can’t even get anything right.”

Ivanka Trump, the eldest Trump daughter, referred to by secret service as FFKOPOTUS (favorite first kid of prez of Merica), was p’d to the O big time. No sooner had she spoon fed china’s president Xi Jingping a gorgeous sliver of beautiful chocolate cake when word of her trademark deal with China leaked out. “Ugh” just “Ugh,” and she was so pleased with herself for being so sly. Nordstrom’s would have a hay day with this! As IF she didn’t have enough on her plate with the constant mockery of her dolt husband in his blue blazer and life jacket. 

Man does this all just chap her thonged ass. 

Mitch McConnell had to do some fast, fancy footwork indeed to make it behind that column before “she” saw him. Oooh “she” made him so angry he could spit just thinking about it. Mocking him at the Sessions hearing by reading that letter from that dead, black lady. And now, and  now! this persistent need to get right up his grill and say “Hello Mitchell” in a low and, is that a sexy voice? 

“Whew,” sighed O’Connell, pleased with his trickery, “it sure feels great to smile again.”

Sean Spicer was a bite away from the gooey explosion of his 3rd Cadbury Cream Egg yesterday morning when it hit him across the face like his Nazi comments heard around the world. He really WAS better at playing a mute bunny than he is at pretending to be a speaking Press Secretary. 

Melania Trump’s new communications director Stephanie Grisham started her new job on Monday, April 10th surprised to learn she was tasked with “finalizing” the details for the famous White House Easter Egg roll to be held exactly one week later. On her To Do list: invite children, book an A List band to perform, get some of those Sesame Street characters, confirm the military bands and order the GD eggs. 

“Well,” thought Grisham as she slammed down the phone after learning that PBS would send only Oscar’s garbage can to the roll, “this will teach those losers not to wait until the last minute.” At least she was able to secure Bro4, an unknown boy band of brothers from Jersey.  It remains to be seen how Bro4 will fit in with the military bands that will also perform. 

Theodore James Kushner, age 1, the youngest child of Ivanka and Jared Kushner knows stink when he smells it. And no, he’s not talking about the blowout he just had in his “dry-clean only” Mini Rodini linen shorts outfit (although that was a doozy). He’s thinking about Grandpa Donny and what a weird dude he is. Always yelling and shouting MAGA!, pumping his little arm up and down, ramming bites of “beautiful chocolate cake” and Russian caviar down his throat and shouting at the tall lady he’ll have to call Mrs. Trump. 

Truth be told, Theo thinks Mrs. Trump is so frosty and Grandpa Donny is scattered and kind of a loser. “This Easter egg hunt is going to suck,” he sighed, rolling over for his nap.