Robert Mueller loved his new Twitter account, Reinhold Niebhuhr @FormerBu. He knew he needed to keep up the stream of pensive solo shots in weird places with cryptic messages to really fuck up big Donny. Maybe he’d have a picture taken next week In a random place on the grounds of Mar-a-Lago. Maybe one in the shadowy hallway outside of the presidential suite at The Ritz Carlton in Moscow. Perhaps even one of him standing near Melania’s bodyguard boyfriend who works at the Tiffany next to Trump Tower. “Oh Lordy this was going to be fun.”

If pissing in his pants (twice) during Monday’s all day grilling by Robert Mueller’s team of prosecutors was the worst thing that happened to him then Sean Spicer considered himself lucky. He really regretted forgetting to wear the padded briefs he used to wear under his Easter bunny costume but he’d come to rely on them during tough questions at the press podium and he was out of them. And oh but Mueller and his team were slick! He had to admire how they handed him 4 bags of vanilla Dippin’ Dots while simultaneously sliding his crammed notebooks away from him. Wait?

Donald Trump felt ready. It was the day of the big IQ test and he had crammed his ass off studying his addition, subtraction, colors and days of the week. He had yet to master his times tables, 5’s gave him a hard time especially, but he didn’t think the test would sink so low as to ask that. He had already learned so much on the job anyway. He now knew that Puerto Rico was an “island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.” He knew words, he had the best words and he knew exactly how many inches tall Senator Bob Corker was. He was going to blow Tillerson away. “I’ll show that Eagle Scout who the real fucking moron is,” Trump thought jumping up with hand raised to get his test first from non-partial Gladys, 2nd sous chef in the executive kitchen.

“Those freakin’ Ricans,” muttered Donald Trump rubbing his sore shoulder while finishing up a poem he’d drawn for Vladimir Putin’s Birthday. He knew he shouldn’t have used his drawing arm when he chucked those shitty paper towels to those greedy hurricane victims last week in Pueeeeerto Reeeco.