“Jared come on. Your purse compliments your sun dress perfectly.”

“I just want to look pretty when I vote today Ivanka, is that okay with you?” snapped Jared sliding the ladder down the purse aisle in his closet.

He had this one day to be himself, one day, and she was rushing him.

John F. Kelly sits downs at his non secure computer and begins to type:

To: jackdorsey@twitter.com

From: johnnyfk@aol.com

Date: September 26, 2017

Re: Double Trouble from Donny Goldenfingers?!?!?

______________________________________

Jack. Please don’t do this. I beg of you. Please.

The history books would refer to the spate of Republican health care bills in the Trump administration as The McConnell Conundrum: the need to vote along party lines to repeal Obamacare while jeopardizing their own chances to get coverage for a preexisting condition caused directly by the actions of, and proximity to, the President of the United States.

In McConnell’s case just hearing Trump’s voice caused his left testicle to spasm so violently he sometimes jerked the table. He knew he had to vote yes but was banking on Susan, Lisa and John to vote no. He needed his stabilizing testicle brace (not covered under the repeal). He would not be called Flutter Nutter anymore. He would NOT.

“Paul did you get a hold of someone to replace the lock on the front door?” asked Kathleen Manafort as she stuffed chewed gum into the keyhole in their bedroom door. “Um yeah,” Paul replied, lining up cyanide tablets in the shape of the Kremlin on his dresser.

Melania and Donald Trump board Air Force One on route to Naples to tour the hurricane damage.

Stilettos up Melania!

Having had to retain her own lawyer just 24 days into her role as White House Communications Director, Hope Hicks really felt like one of the guys. She secretly thought her lawyer was the most handsome of all the lawyers in the Trump stable and, 3 days on the job and he hadn’t lost it on anyone yet by phone, email, or text! That was saying something. He also had such nice lips…

“Everyone was saying it. Everyone. Just ask anyone. Even the fake news admitted it. Sniff. President Trump is a hero for delivering supplies to the needy in Houston last week. Did you see him hand the big box of supplies directly to the driver of that pickup truck? His muscles were bulging. He’s a goddam American hero dammit. A goddam hero,” said Donald Trump eating some White Castle’s and mumbling to himself in the mirror this morning.

On the DACA announcement, Jeff Sessions hadn’t been that excited about anything since Christmas of ’53 when Santa brought him and his pony matching white sheets and hats for the next rally.