And with a tap of a finger on the Tweet icon Mika Brzezinski blew the shit up. 

‪@POTUS Yr party sucked No on Flift Was wrng crown of red garlic to keep you away from my pussy. Thanks for our ratings! ‬

The celebratory vultures were getting antsy in their holding pen. Was this ACA repeal and “replace” ever happening? At first they were so excited to do their synchronized act where they peck the eyes out of all the residents of West Virginia, but now they were hungry. They also knew where Mitch McConnell lived…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is so glad that it’s Monday. It’s nice to observe Sunday resting and churching and all but it’s gonna feel soooo good to start lying again. What a rush man, damn…

The bluebird in happier times before his image was associated with all official correspondence from the White House. 

“Damn straight we cancelled that bullshit meeting with that oaf,” said Chairman Rep. Cedric Richmond, standing with his fellow Congressional Black Caucus colleagues. “He’s not getting a picture with us until his prison sentencing.”

 April Ryan looks forward to that day. Oh yes she does. 

The career staffers at the White House had never seen anything like it. The lawyers and media all gathered on the front lawn at the first crack of daylight. Frazzled Hope Hicks checking lawyers in at the door, clipboard in hand, shouting names, “Vice President Pence’s lawyer — right this way, Jared Kushner’s lawyer — this way sir, President Trump’s lawyer,  President Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer.”  It was some weird shit for sure. Not as weird as the shit they’d find in Bannon’s desk but it was pretty damn close. 

Jeff Sessions didn’t know just how much longer he could sit there without exploding with pee. While his hearing had ended over 3 days ago his Russian council had advised him to remain in character. Russian power lawyer Sergey Magnitzsky strongly suggested that Sessions was to appear to be in a Fugue state during his testimony, only having moments of clarity long enough to say “I don’t recall.” To further the credibility of his uncredible condition, Sessions was instructed to remain seated and confused looking throughout the weekend. The thinking being that by the time he was finally allowed to leave, everyone would have moved on to the next crisis. Sadly the next crisis happened immediately but no one bothered to tell Jeff Sessions. It was just a confused little man and his overflowing stadium pal. 

“Happy Birthday to me” said Donald Trump as he handed Melania a loofah and unbuttoned his shirt last night. 

Things were getting bleaker and bleaker for Sergey Kislyak with each passing hearing. Already cursed with low self esteem from a lifetime of colon issues, Kislyak found it mind-boggling that no one could ever recall meeting him. His mother had always told him he had such a memorable face.  

Reince Priebus may have sealed his fate when he mistook yesterday’s praise circle for a circle jerk. He buttoned up quickly but the damage had been done. In an effort to distract, he pulled “we thank you for the opportunity and blessing to serve your agenda” out of his ass when it was his turn to speak. It seemed to please his boss and make the camera crews snicker. It had worked! Smiling at his colleagues he suddenly locked eyes with Jared, who had winked at him.