If one more person tells Bernie Sanders how cute the bathrooms were on the buses across town to that bullshit meeting about North Korea last week he is going to blow. 

Lorne Michaels may have voted for Hillary but he sure as shit struck comedy gold with Trump. “Alice!” He shouts at his former assistant, now current wife, “get Eugene Levy on the horn! I want to see if he’ll play that Munchkin guy next Saturday”

Popping open a fresh can of Clamato he smiles, here’s to another great 100 days! Thank you Vlad, thank you. 

“Congratulations you have passed the vetting process Mr. Flynn” said no one ever not even this guy. 

“Happy Birthday Melania,” said President Trump as he handed her a loofa and unbuttoned his shirt. 

Taking advantage of the fact that their boss is busy downplaying the importance of his first 100 days while hyping up his yuge achievements, Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller use this rare opportunity out of the spotlight to beat the everlasting shit out of each other. 

It was On Like Donkey Kong. 

4 minutes into her interview with President Trump and AP White House correspondent Julia Pace knew this dude was a total nutter. She had not seen that  level of distraction and tale telling since she’d volunteered one summer at her Aunt Norma’s camp for “Active” Kids. 

Even the weekend didn’t alleviate Paces PTSD. I should have taken that goddam Coke he offered me she groaned finally swallowing the last of last Friday’s lunch.  

On the day that 45 announced there was an armada steaming toward the Sea of Japan to send a message to North Korea, Smidgen Rafferty was ecstatic. Like his owners, Smidge was a huge fan of the FOX News Channel, and had longed to see the famous aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson up close. Using his excellent sense of direction (his parents were illegals from Mexico after all) Smidge raced to the ocean, dove in, and began swimming as fast as his quivery, pencil legs would take him. When he reached the Sea of Japan, 9 days later, the USS Vinson was still in Australia. 

“Guys it’s me Reince! Can you see me? I feel so small? Guys?”

Upon hearing that Trump and his cartel of deplorables would be slithering into Bedminster NJ on summer weekends, Township Mayor Steven Parker and Chief of Police Karl Rock knocked off early from work. Taking a back path to the Pluckemin Inn with hands clasped together to ward off rogue chipmunks, they didn’t utter a word. Their mission was obvious. They were going to get shit faced drunk and wake up in their clothes under the bar. 

“Hawaii, Ha-why-eeee, Ha-wha-eeeeee,” U. S. Attorney Jeff Sessions practiced the name of that Muslim President’s birthplace in the mirror for a solid hour before his infamous appearance on The Mark Levin Show. As soon as he heard himself say “I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States,” he was as surprised as…well… everyone who saw it. He was going to eat his weight in fried green tomatoes and banana pudding after flubbing this one up so badly. 

Dammit, he knew this word, he knew it.