Joseph Frederick Kushner, age 3, the middle child of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, was so excited to see Grandpa Donny and his strong friend “Uncle Keith” show up at his pricey Jewish Day School. Uncle Keith could have been a little nicer when he tossed him the back of the bullet proof SUV, but Grandpa Donny gave him such a funny psychotic smile the boy immediately felt at ease. When Grandpa Donny put both hands on his shoulders, looked him square in the eyes and said “Joseph, you’re going to be the new Director of the FBI,” he wet his pants.  

As he watched Uncle Keith run back into the school to get his Pull-Ups, Joseph anxiously wondered if he would have to wear that bonehead blue blazer and bullet proof vest like his father. He hoped not. 

Sally Yates strode into yesterday’s hearing yesterday dressed like a boss and ready to spill. Despite wanting to finger flick Ted Cruz in the middle of his dumb, smug face, and ask Senator John Cornyn why he was still alive, she kept her focus and answered all that she could about that weasel Flynn. She’d been excited about this moment for months. It was her revenge reveal. She knew her testimony would be replayed for decades to come, and her new cut, color and blow out would be immortalized forever.

Mike Pence hates how Kellyanne is fucking with him. She knows perfectly well he won’t dine alone with another woman without his wife and she’s invited him out every night for the last week. At first he said yes. He felt bad he had to shit can her from the talk shows on account of the nonsense that came out of her mouth, even though her shenanigans caused him a monumental amount of grief. But when that bony tramp waved a stack of photographic evidence of him in flagrante delicto with Elizabeth Warren’s niece he knew he was screwed.

And poor Karen is the victim of Conway’s revenge. He gazes lovingly at his wife as she takes a lusty bite of tartufo. Poor thing, she’s getting so fat. And Kellyanne is just enjoying it all go down.

“Welcome to Sunday service” said no one ever to Donald and Melania Trump.

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, age 95, had never felt better since he decided to step down from royal functions to take care of his great grandchildren full time. Truthfully when faced with retirement or meeting that knob head Trump he’d choose the former every time. “Let “Cabbage” drive that plonker around in that gaudy buggy,” Philip thinks, referring to his wife by her much loathed nickname, “Maybe they’ll run over the Corgis, I hate those assholes.”

Stopping to reprimand George for picking his nose, Philip has a sudden realization, 

“I just hope that wanker keeps his hands off of her….”

Francisco Javier Cruz, the new busboy at The White House, knew it was wrong to throw feces in the bowls of corn nuts at the Trump care victory party. He just snapped when he overheard Congressman Chris Collins brag how he didn’t even read the bill.  If this bullshit ever passes his poor mother, Rosa, will be booted off of her insurance because of her preexisting nose condition. “God,” muttered Cruz as he subtlety emptied the bowls into the rose bushes, “I am so blessed not to have a nose.”

“No way does birth control work” shouts Teresa Manning on her first day overseeing contraception for the department of health and human services. 

Manning was talking to a group of lower income teens at a recent “Decency, Demureness and Devotion” rally in Southeast Washington and she was cranky as hell. Her husband could be such an asshole, making her take the kids at the last second so he could go golfing. 

Grrrrr… and she had a point to make about abstinence dammit. What a role model she was. 

Removing Eunice’s ankle from her ribs Manning mutters “its God’s will anyway.”

Donald Trump is proud he learned everything he thinks he needs to know about The Civil War by watching Clint Eastwood’s 1976 western “The Outlaw Josey Wales.” Eastwood’s a badass, everyone knows it. 

Even that swashbuckler Andrew Jackson would agree. 

John Dickerson, host of Face the Nation, was proud of himself for sticking to his guns when pressing President Trump on those damn wiretaps claims. He knew that part of the interview would get a shit ton of airtime and he was on fire that day. He looked good, the camera angle was perfect!  

What a relief! Secretly he worried he looked like a little bit of a dicknose on TV. 

“More crudeness! more hands! bellows Professor McGropenstein to his 3rd period class at the Fox News Channel School for Emerging Hosts.