Rabbi Adam Mintz shakes his head as he watches Jared Kushner leave his office, rabbinical pass for flying on Shabbat, in hand. Sheesh, flying on Friday nights was going to be the least of this dude’s problems soon. And a good thing. Mintz is tired of writing out all of these bullshit passes for the Kushners.

 Sean Spicer was looking forward to the whirlwind trip he was leaving on today with President Trump. Truthfully he just wanted to score some good cocaine in Egypt. Listening to Colombia’s president Juan Manuel Santos bragging about all the coca farms they seized last year got him thinking. If President Trump didn’t like the way Spicey spun his bullshit into rainbows then Spicey was going to have to up his game. He just knew that drugs were the answer! Even Jeff Sessions referred to his occasional line as “a snort of spark.” 

Doing his best Seinfeld impersonation, James Comey practiced again in the mirror. Tilting his head and squinting his eyes at an imaginary Newman, he let those magical words fly, “Hello Donald.”

“Good morning Mr. President are you excited for your upcoming trip?” whistled career 3rd assistant Gladys Chambers to her boss after being out the past two days under heavy anesthesia for dental work. Then she quickly ducked. 

“Dab brother dab,” said Washington Post reporter Greg Jaffe to his co-reporter Greg Miller at a beach dance off to celebrate their ground breaking story on Trump’s revealing highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador.  

Meanwhile, in the Oval Office…

First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump, had never smiled wider than she did when saw her husband “tweeted her” for Mother’s Day. She was thrilled to be in her gilded NYC tower with her son while Donny was in the New Jersey smacking balls around. She really preferred it when they were apart. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” she thinks, frowning at the thought of that buffoon of a man she married.

Melania smiles as her son Barron emerges from his own floor for a visit. Cracking apart a hostess apple pie and passing half to her smiling son, she feels ecstatic. She is so glad Donny let her have a baby on the condition she got her body back. Dinner would be lettuce again for her.

Education secretary Betsy DeVos was still rattled from being booed last week when she delivered the commencement speech at Bethune-Cookman University, a historically black college in Florida. Grabbing a Montblanc gold classique fountain pen from her pen cup she starts composing a letter on her Tiffany stationary.

“Deer terrble parents,
You dont know me but I tawk’d to your kidz last week at gradution and they wer very rood. Teech them maners plez

Sincerely,

Betsy DeVos

Addressing the envelope to the president of the university, DeVos shakes her freshly colored hair and brays with disappointment. Holy Jesus above but these students were savages. Did their mothers not teach them anything?

Finally allowed out of the penalty box since making up a fake massacre on live TV, Kellyanne Conway has never felt more confident. As she answers questions about Comey a gentle breeze grazes her surgical scars. She winces but would get the work done on her face all over again she looks so damn good. Not that it’s hard not to shine with colleagues like Spicer, currently in the bushes, and that sassy Huckabee chick. Wait? She thinks smiling, was she a “showboat” and a “grandstander.” You betcha. 

It was understood among the staff and aides at the White House that if Trump went outside to “catch some air” it was time to panic. Being alone with his thoughts was not good for this President. His grandiosity would magnify and he’d often come back to the Oval Office bragging about the size of his inauguration crowd or the sea of “Blacks for Trump” baseball hats at his Harrisburg rally. His dreamy eyed demeanor was nice for a change but there were bills to sign and lives to ruin and his staff had no choice but to blast MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” and Trump would snap right out of it. Donald loved Joe Scarborough. He loved Mika too, and, in fact, tried to move on her like a bitch one time. But now they were just fake news and was Mika getting fat?

On the night President Trump fired FBI Director Jim Comey, Press Secretary Sean Spicer bellowed the news out of his office door to the press pool and then promptly got up, went outside, and hid in the bushes to avoid answering questions. He reluctantly agreed to do select interviews under condition of darkness. Twitching and sweaty, he was more frenzied than ever as he bullshitted his way through each question gruffly, acting like a total dick. His mind was swirling. The Russians were coming tomorrow and so was Henry Kissinger and he’d completely forgotten to order the old man’s low sodium dish.