Secretary of State Rex Tillerson freakin’ loved slipping into his leathers and revving up his Harley at last weekend’s Rolling Thunder biker rally in D. C. Man did he get some good ink in the conservative rags after that! “a brilliant man and a patriot, always ready to raise the patriotic spirit,” one guy even called him T. “Rex” and oh how he loves this passage:

“This is the American spirit. This is how we show respect to our brave heroes. The liberal leftists use their hordes to burn the national flag and curse this country, but these patriots show us how to love America.” 
Man it felt good to get some attention. Ever since his tongue removal surgery he’s been feeling so muted. 

Ivanka Trump wasn’t worried. Not really. Even if Daddy and Jared went to prison she knew she’d be fine. Daddy would take care of her and her brothers (but probably not Tiffany), and besides, she had her blogs to fall back on. 

Sergei Kislyak was blue. He fancied himself a memorable guy. 

“Okay, okay I’ll say it,” said the thin, pale dark haired man to the much bigger, much older and much hairier, tattooed man in the prison bathroom. “You’re my big Daddy, you’re Jared’s big Daddy, Jared’s going to wear his vest and khaki chaps for you.”

President Trump knew it was wrong to shove the prime minister of Montenegro out of the way at the NATO meeting today; but when someone shouted that it was time to “take” the group picture he only heard the word “cake.” Still high on adrenaline from delivering such an awesome, jaw dropping speech, he raced to the front of the line and bumped the poor bastard. Truth was he didn’t know it had even happened until he snuck onto Twitter for a second when his aids weren’t looking. “Jesus”, he mutters, remembering some of the twit pics, “did Ivanka look hot in that veil.”

“Why thank you President Trump, I am also very pleased with the way I have handled the drug problem in my country. Where again did you say you have two nuclear submarines stationed?” said President Duterte of the Philippines, kicking the body of a dead drug dealer out of his way to grab a pen. 

Pope Francis hopes President Trump keeps his shit together at their 8:30 AM meeting. Breathing deeply, Francis sighs and whispers “if he tries the handshake go for the balls, just go for the balls.” 

It was decided. He would say he stumbled over his cassock. 

Melania Trump was so pissed her husband was still alive she swatted his hand away in public. And she didn’t care. She had paid that nice Saudi sword dancer good money to stick it to Donny during that ceremonial dance yesterday but, just as the sword came flying towards his back, Donny bopped forward. She could scream she was so sick of him!!! She didn’t give a shit that this tour was supposed to promote lasting “peach” in the Middle East. 

It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Bright and shiny had always been been attractive to President Trump but this…this was different. It was smooth and round and cool to the touch. Like a Russian beet in October. As he stared dopily at it, ignoring his Egyptian and Saudi hombres, he suddenly wanted that orb more than anything. Even more than the 30 year old Swedish swimsuit model they had working the coatcheck at Bedminster. He had his plan. He’d make Jared get it. 

MSNBC’s Joy Reid, host of the highly rated show AM Joy, thinks it’s time for the name of her show to change already. Since January 20, 2017 it’s morphed into “Goddam all Day and Night Joy” and she is exhausted.